Lopsided Relationships Reveal
Hi Friend
It's been one of those weeks, where you look back and go "what exactly did I accomplish?" And then I look at my pictures and think, "shoot, I didn't do many photo-worthy things." I'm also writing this a day early, because I have quite an adventure happening this weekend.
One thing that did happen is that my mom sent me an obituary. It was of the doctor who delivered me into this world and was my doctor growing up. Dr. Jack Irvine, who lived in Ashland, Ohio passed away at the age of 95. I still recall visits with him at Samaritan Hospital.
His obit revealed a rather amazing guy. As I read through it though, I thought I'd see a line that said "And he brought Greg Hawks into the world." It didn't. What it did say was "Highlights of Jack’s family practice career include supportive listening for patients describing their problems, delivering thousands of babies, providing physicals for school age and collegiate athletes, and offering heartfelt, practical health advice to patients about washing wounds with soap and water, stopping smoking, and eating more vegetables."
Ummmm.... what? My entry into humanity is grouped with turn-&-cough, soap-&-water and eat more vegetables?!?! I'm just one of thousands?! How can this be? 😜
NOT SO SPECIAL
He was my ONLY childhood doctor. When I hear the word "doctor" HE is the image I have. He is so singular in my mind, the entire profession of medicine is embodied in his likeness. Yet, I am just one of thousands he ushered into earth... and then went for lunch.
Have you ever been in a lopsided relationship? That person was so significant to you, but it felt like you meant very little to them? Or you held them in high regard and they didn't know you existed? It's a great tension to have because it forces us to evaluate our own sense of self-worth and identity. It also requires us to define the difference between boundaries, grace and faith.
MINDSHIFT
What if the lopsidedness only revealed OUR inability to value ourself accurately and take ownership for our choices?
THE STOP GIVING TREE
I read last week that someone re-wrote the Giving Tree book. He created a new narrative where the tree said "no". (You can read it here.) I loved seeing that, because I always hated reading that story to my kids. I didn't like the kid and I didn't like the tree. Both lacked self-awareness which perpetuated self-destruction.
In both personal and professional settings people like to blame others for the condition of their life. Friends say things like "don't give them that power" referring to our emotional contentment. It's not true though. That other person isn't taking or receiving power. We are simply not being responsible with ourselves. We are not self-aware. We are not self-satisfied. We don't actually have the "power" to give to someone else and that's the problem.
MINDSHIFT
What if the state of every relationship we are in, is only reflecting back to us opportunities about areas in our life we need to grow?
Of course the challenge is that we care. As parents, as partners, as colleagues, as leaders, as friends - we find ourselves walking the tightrope of positively empowering or negatively enabling. Or worse, acquiring identity-value from their approval.
I would have liked to think I was special to my doctor. I suppose that's why we have moms and dads.
When we find ourselves defining someone by how we feel in that relationship, let's consider that they may be a catalyst gift for us to deal with our own insecurities. Every disproportionate relationship is a mirror for us to see where we want them to meet a need we're unwilling to meet ourself.
SHIFTING
I hope this week you make someone feel really special, not by devaluing yourself, but by mindfully nurturing the relationship from your own healthiness. #ShiftAway
